It doesn't matter if you're depressed, empty, or alone inside...as long as you look pretty on the outside, right?



Open me up
Inside
I am an empty, hollow, terrible thing.



I'm going to rot away and no one is going to know the difference.



I am a terrible person who does not deserve anything.



I am self-destructive.




Don't you think that, if I knew how to handle it, I would done so already?
Don't get angry at me when I don't know what I want you to do or say.
I don't want you to do or say anything!



I have one parent scolding me to save all my money for car insurance and school and the other asking for every and any bit of money I can spare out of my tiny part-time pay check because we have virtually no income.




My world is a 10x15 jail cell.

Looks like that chased off the stalk-toshers.

I don't mind people reading, but if you never post a comment or send a message and "add to friend" once a month, REPEATEDLY, it is just creepy. One user in particular is just a creep.

Anyways...November.

Hello.

If you are wondering what happened to October, it was filled with a lot of work, sweat and 2-3rd degree burns. My leg still hasn't healed all the way yet, but its close. I have a kick-@$$ immune system, so I only get sick once a year (if at all) and any injuries heal pretty quickly. If you are looking for pictures, check: http://macystudio.deviantart.com/

Images will be posted shortly.

Currently, I'm working on crochet projects for Christmas gifts. The list (since none of these people know about this journal, its ok to post) includes:

AJ--ninja poster and a box that will include a mini-ninja hidden amongst peas (its an inside joke).
Dragon--Alice's hookah-smoking Caterpillar.
Turtle--a RockStar gutar
Anna--a character hat.


I am also working on a blanket based off of "The Mentalist" character, Red John. I'll post an image link when its done.

Until then,
L8r.

I have found that I am a scientist, not a field agent, when it comes to Horror films. I like to look at something and take it apart, study it, and then see if I can put it back together...not be in the middle of it, experiencing it.


This page is sort of like what I mean: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1082868/faq#.2.1.2

I like to pin down the particulars, the details...I like to KNOW it, through and throughout.

I saved a Gecko.

And found the fur for my "Puss in Boots" costume (Halloween @ the Library).

But most importantly, I saved a Gecko and released it from our house into the front walk.

Yay

^________^

Every year, I get really excited about my birthday for the two-week countdown. I'm like a little kid; I just can't wait. And then, usually one or two days just before my actual birthday, I get extremely depressed. I remember that I have no real friends...no one who will remember my birthday on time (aside from my immediate family)...and no one to celebrate anything with. My mom still makes me a cake (its tradition. Ever since I was a little kid, my mom always made me an awesome themed cake for my birthday) but no one really cares about it. I receive no presents. I sometimes receive a check in the mail a week or three later from a grandparent. But there are no phone calls wishing me a "happy birthday", no gifts wrapped in paper with a nice surprise inside, nothing. If I want anything at all for my birthday, I have to buy it for myself. Last year, I had a friend call me on my birthday...only to talk for two hours about herself and some new celebrity crush she had. I finally lied and said I had to get off the phone. She hung up without mentioning ONCE anything about me, asking me any questions, or even seeing how I was doing. I could have been a dial tone for all she cared...and she was the only one who called.



I am so freakin' depressed right now...



Yesterday, I was hit pretty badly by my depression while I was at work. Luckily, no one caught me crying and I was able to suppress most of the outward signs by time I had to work at the service desk again. I don't know if I suppressed it really well or it was just that no one noticed. It could very easily be the latter. When I got home, I just went to bed and slept from six-thirty until nearly ten this morning. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to watch tv or listen to music, I didn't want to do anything except go to sleep...and never wake up again.

I'm not talking about committing suicide here, I'm just talking about it literally. I did not want to wake up again. I was just so tired of dealing with everything and everyone that all I wanted to do was just sleep. Forever.

Of course, I woke up to an empty house this morning, so spending the morning by myself was rather enjoyable. I was able to catch up on all the internet comings and goings that I had missed out while I was unplugged (I spent last week moving my room around). Unfortunately, that peace ended at eleven-thirty, when my dad and sister came home. They just leave all the groceries and bags of stuff lying around, so I'm the one who has to clean everything up (and I had just sat down to eat my brunch...which was then cold by time I got back to it).



Shite'rs.



But, whatever. You know, I just don't care anymore. I really just don't. I have today off, so I'm just going to keep to myself and try to enjoy it. I'll be going to Disney (I wont say which park) for my birthday, so that will be both fun and depressing (as I have no friends to go with me). Happy Birthday to me...



That was the 'crap' portion of this journal. So here is the 'junk' bit.


I have noticed that there are some people who like to "friend" me. In fact, one person keeps friending me repeatedly. I will not say your name, but every time I get the notice that says "_____ has added you to their friends list!", I have sent you a private message. Well, as you have yet to answer a single one of the last three or four messages, I am sending an ultimatum here. This is for you and anyone else who has added me to their "friends" list:



If I do not receive a comment or a personal message from you, telling me who you are or at least why you added me to your list, I will put a block on anyone trying to friend me and I will set each and every one of my journals (both past and future) on the highest "private" setting.


By putting on the private setting, it will block everyone, even friends, from reading what I have written. I don't mind people reading...what I mind is knowing that there are people who like to read, but not identify themselves or why they are reading my works. That is creepy.



And I do not like creeps.



So, there you have it. an ultimatum to everyone who reads my journal.
Send me a comment or a message...
Or prepare to take me off your list.

Seriously...this really honks me off.

Back when Nick first started (1977) it ran live action shows like "Hey Dude!" and "Dare Devil/Double-Dare Devil/Family Dare Devil" and "Pete and Pete"...you know, back when there was actual thought and acting put into the shows. Cartoons weren't shown until 1991, and that was ok. Nick had started the trend of 7-15 yr. old demographic shows and they were ready for something new to wow the group. Hence, cartoons. But not just any cartoons; cartoons that ran the spectrum. We had cartoons for everyone and broke the industry with new trends: gross cartoons ("Ren and Stimpy"), family cartoons ("Rugrats"), relaxed sitcoms ("Angry Beavers")...do you understand where I'm going with this? Nick started the trend of cartoons.

Nick wasn't the only ground breaker for cartoons. The appropriately named Cartoon Network ran cartoons day in and day out. "Looney Toons" started there, "Tom and Jerry" started there. So many cartoons started there. I remember watching "Johnny Quest" (both the original show and then, later on, the updated teen version) all the way up to "I am Weasel"...heck, I was watching all the way up to a month ago! That is roughly 21 years of watching and supporting both networks. These networks made me interested in art and kept me drawing and doodling every day of my life. These networks were the reason I wanted to become an animator.


So why am I now pretty much boycotting both networks?


They are taking away the cartoons, killing them off without a word.



Nick has started returning to live action shows, which is fine with me. My issue with Nick is
that they are taking away good shows that have ran well and long without a reason or warning. The fact that the shows are being taken away to make room for new things is nothing new, but the fact that there is no warning when they are removed makes things frustrating. You may argue that the removed shows are being run on the Bright House ch134 (or whatever the channel is) sister channel to Nick. That is only partly true; not all removed shows are being run there. On top of that, not everyone can afford the "extended channels" package, which makes it frustrating to know that certain missed shows are so close and yet so out of reach.

Now, Nick is only slightly excusable. They remove their shows without warning, which is frustrating, but the reason they are being removed is understandable.


Cartoon Network, however, is the real pisser.


Cartoon Network is also removing their good and long running cartoons to make way for new things. Once again, that is just the natural order. And, at least, they have the good taste to warn users with a "Final Episode" notice and, sometimes, a whole marathon (such as when "Fosters" was ended. It was advertised two weeks ahead and the final episode was presented in a ten-episode mini-marathon). So, at least they're good about taking shows away. The only problem is that the shows they replace them with is pretty much crap. There is no real humor, no real thought and the only interesting thing about them is the new art styles. And, worse of all, a good portion of the replacement cartoons are all imported dubbed crap that has the same characters and story/plots with minor tweaks to be "new". Yes, I am not an Anime fan. I prefer to support American-created cartoons and cartoonists.By importing Anime, they are running American cartoonists out of a job and closing the door to new/fresh cartoons.


You may ask "So, how is CN killing cartoons then? They're replacing them with new toons, right?"


Wrong.

Two little words: CN Real.

They are putting live action shows onto a network that was CREATED FOR CARTOONS!!

That is like running wrestling on SciFi...although, as wrestling is fake, they could argue that it is part of the fantasy (joking here, people!)...Seriously, though. They are running shows like "Destroy Build Destroy" and "The Outsiders", they are taking away from the cartoons. And while some of the shows are creative enough to be slightly helpful for teens, for the most part, its more mindless "reality" show garbage. How is this going to help anyone? How is it interesting? We are watching people get paid to show off, hurt and plot against one another, and inevitably fail, usually in a humiliating or painful fashion. The "winners" are given money, but only a little more than the losers, and everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame which will be used to get their foot in the Hollywood door to create more ridiculous "reality" shows.


WHY?!

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!?!

WHY ARE WE ALLOWING THIS CRAP TO BE ON TV AS ENTERTAINMENT?!

Cartoon Network and Nick are killing cartoons.

I will no long be watching Cartoon Network.

I will watch Nick until they get rid of "Spongebob" and "Fairy Odd Parents". At that point, I will know for certain that Nick has made the same decision as Cartoon Network (ie: killed the cartoons).

I watched these networks all my life. They made me smile, laugh and cry. They inspired me to become a cartoonist, a dream that I will achieve in order to bring some GOOD cartoons back to the worlds and, perhaps, these networks.

I only pray that future viewers of televised cartoons will know what good cartoons actually are by then.

Today I saved an Earthworm.

Lately, as per usual Summer weather, we have been having awesome thunder storms. There is one rocking the waves right now with a spectacular display of lightning, but nothing can compare to the storm Friday night!!!

The lightning ripped across the sky like nothing I have seen in a long while. Since my bedroom window faces the north-easterly area, I had a great view of things. I grabbed my video camera, but it's night filming has much to be desired. If I figure out how to clean up the video, I may post a few clips later.

Thankfully, no one has been reported as being struck by lighting since the last attack (what was that, two weeks now? Three?), which makes the storms that much more enjoyable. Its hard to watch the storms, knowing that someone got hurt. Although, with the number of people who like to stand on the docks and watch the lighting over the ocean, I'm actually surprised how low the number of lighting strike attacks currently is!

While I could rant and rail all day long on (and against) the subject of the modern horror film genre, I have a sad confession: I would be a good writer for a modern horror film.

I have a knack (I hesitate to say the word "cursed") for twisted ideas.

The problem is my overactive imagination.

It is the reason I do not--I cannot---watch horror films. I can look at any ordinary situation and I can make up both "good ending" and "bad ending" scenarios immediately, almost against my will. For example, as I was driving down the road one day, I saw a mini-van pulled off to the side of the road. Well, it was half off and half on, sticking out slightly on the highway. The woman driver was on the phone, facing the road with her back to the van. This is how my mind ran the scene, keeping in mind that #1 is the bad ending and #2 is the good ending:


1) Woman is having a heated conversation with the roadside assistant, eventually getting a tow truck to come and help her, but she is now five hours late and behind on everything, setting off a chain of events that make the rest of her day (perhaps her week) a a living nightmare. Things get so bad at work and at home that, at the end of the week, she goes home (driving in the rain, swerving to avoid hitting another car), collects the pile of overdue bills, listens to the messages on her answering machine (nothing pleasant, think nagging "you're not worth the work I put into you" mother and cheating boyfriend dumping her) and kills herself in her room, sitting on the edge of her bed and swallows a bullet (actually, this phrase is a misdemeanor as the bullet goes up through the roof of the mouth and into the skull, exploding out the back of the head in a spray of blood, brain, tissue, and bone, scattering and splattering the mess against the green walls).

or

2) Someone pulls over and helps the woman, gaining a "thank you" lunch and a new friendship.



My mom, who I was taking to work, then commented, "Gee, I hope her kids aren't late for school..." which then made everything worse in my mind. Originally, the bad ending was merely a lousy week and a sudden end. Now, it ran like this:



1) Woman is having a heated conversation with the roadside assistant when a speeding truck runs off the road, slamming into the mini-van and, in a cinematic chain of flipping, rolling and the sounds of metal on metal, both vehicles are destroyed, with one gas tank possibly catching on fire. The woman is unharmed, but now has just watched the twisted death of her children.




...see? This is why I cannot watch films like "Saw" or "Final Destination". My mind doesn't just come up with ideas, it displays them in full color and surround sound that is of IMAX quality. Back in high school, I read "Misery" by S. King and them spent the rest of the week looking over my shoulder, waiting for a crazed woman to jump out at me (if you don't know what I'm talking about, re-read the book, especially the ending). I have issues with public restrooms, not because the health is questionable, but because every time I poke open the stall door I expect to see a dead body waiting for me. When I eventually confirm that I'm not about to discover the deceased in one of the adjoining stalls, I'm heart-stoppingly sure that something will try and attack me while I'm using the small stall, either a random killer or a demon/zombie/beast-thing ("Silent Hill" meets SciFi is never good) is about to start rattling the walls and reaching under/out for me, to drag me off by my ankles and hack me into pieces. If a bathroom is ill-lit, I'll back out immediately.

I know this isn't a product of my environment (both parents have created a loving, safe and warm home for myself) nor is it a part of my depression (which, for the record, I would like to say that I have gone nearly two months now without a day of deep depression), but merely a product of my creativity and imagination tapping into the darker aspect of human nature. Unfortunately, I cannot turn it off, curb it, or suppress it, but merely attempt to redirect my thoughts and limit its ability to run rampant in my mind.



Interestingly enough, I enjoy shows such as "Bones", "NCIS" and "CSI", not just because of decent character interaction and (sometimes) good writing, but because it limits these dark script-like thoughts. Instead of focusing on the death, I naturally focus on the way the shows are put together, the actors and the way the camera angles. This natural desire to know how it works and flows together overrides (or, if you prefer "beats down") the darker ideas.


If anyone is actually reading this, please please PLEASE don't think that I'm some crazy creeper waiting for the right moment to explode in a killing spree. My imagination isn't always darker thoughts, mostly its random Seuss-and-Henson creativity of imaginative creatures and doodles and little bits and pieces of stories and/or plots. I am really a nice and friendly person, always looking to be helpful and kind to other people (I'm a type B/ introvert personality)...I just scare myself sometimes.

Picked up my pre-ordered copy of "Coraline" today. The guy told me that it was a good thing I pre-ordered my copy because every single copy the store could get their hands on was pre-ordered. They had NOTHING to stock on the shelves!!! The special 2-disc version was worth the money. Plus, I got a really cool (free) tote bag!!! Its made of good material and has the catchphrase and buttons painted with glow-in-the-dark paint and everything!

M&Ms have now put out a "limited time" set of M&Ms that have coconut in them. I LOVE them!!! The really good thing about them is that, in order to keep the coconut flavor fresh (you adjust really quickly to the new flavor) you have to eat them slowly. Have one, then wait a few minutes. In doing this, you don't get use to the coconut flavor, so every time you have one, you are fully enjoying the mix of flavor. Now, if only they'd put out a cherry one...


There are some things in life that makes me happy. Not "smile on my face, I'm entertained for a minute, but it'll wear off soon enough" sort of happy...I mean, really happy. As in "actual joy, keep smiling all day on the sheer memory of the experience of it" sort of happy. And the best part is that its always the simplest of things that does it. For example:

- seeing a puppet (bonus points if it is being used, double bonus points if it is a full-body puppet and is being used).

- hearing small bells ring.

- playing with a tassel.

- shredding paper with an office shredder.

- jugglers and/or clowns...well, circus and/or cirque related people in general.

- watching "CATS".

- rain (bonus if I'm able to see it, double bonus if I can experience it)


Last week, the library where I work hosted the Jiggleman (he's famous for his performances, as in "Late Night with ___" famous) for our Summer kids program. Now, this was his 5th time performing at the library (apparently we have a pretty good deal going on with him). Every single time he has performed with us, I scheduled to work a full shift. I hate it. So, this time, I was able to sneak away for a few minutes here and there to get a glimpse of his performance (thankfully, I have a pretty cool boss who understands). I only saw about 10 or 15 minutes collectively, but it was enough to make me laugh and clap like a 5-year old and smile for the rest of the day.

I guess my point is never grow up.
Always enjoy the little and simple things in life.

Cry freely.

Laugh freely.

Don't be wasting your time worrying if the people around you think you're an idiot because you're cheering and laughing and crying and clapping...all that matters is if you are truly making the most of the moment, really living and experiencing it.


...of course, I'm not saying its ok to be obnoxious or rude and encroach on other people's enjoyment of that same moment. Don't thrash your arms around and accidentally knock someone unconscious.

Just...enjoy.

Despite all odds and initial comments, Mr. Squarepants is now 10 years old.


Happy Birthday, man.

So, yeah....


Summer.


That time where I'm 85% free to do whatever I want (excluding the hours in which I work) and I do nothing at all. For some reason, when I have an abundance of free time, all I can do is look at my list of "Things I need to and want to get done" and just say "meh".

Weird paradox.


When I don't have the time, I manage to get it all done, but when I do have the time, I flake.


Like I said, weird.

Ummmmmmmmmmm...what else can be said?

Oh!!

I've noticed that some people have added me to their friend's list. If you do, please send me a PM or comment somewhere or whatever to let me know (1) how you found me and (2) if I know you in real life. If the answer to #2 is "no", then I need you to answer (3) why on earth you find me interesting enough to want to be my "friend" and read my journals.

Its not like I have anything really important here. I'm not looking to validate my existence by adding one or two hundred strangers to my "friends" list in order to tell myself that I'm important. I don't even think that what I type is very interesting, its just something to do...

But, hey, you know, its cool.

If you're looking for some mad rants at a particular person or thing, those will be very rare.

If you're looking for some angst- or emo-filled entries about my depression, those will also be pretty rare. I've actually been doing pretty well these past weeks.

If you're looking for me to add you as a "friend" just because you added me, you can probably forget it. I don't see the point of reading other people's journals unless you're an actual friend of mine (someone that I either know from real life or someone I talk to on a consistent basis online) or its a journal for a club that I'm into.

Besides, doesn't being a "friend" mean that two people are conversing? What's the point of friending someone if you've never even talked to them (ie: I'm noticing a distinct lack of comments on any of my posts)? Unless you're friending just so you can receive updates for when they post something new...and even then, if you like reading what they're posting, why not say something?


...meh.

If ANYone is actually reading this, have a good afternoon (or whatever time it is where you are).

This morning I saw "Up", the latest Disny-Pixar movie. It was good, with the usual high standard of Pixar and a touch of Disney's classic slow-paced story. This would be a good movie to buy and watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon with the rest of the family. Needless to say, I enjoyed it greatly.

But this is not what the title talks about.

As it usually happens for me, the closest local theater stopped showing it on the day I am finally free to go and see a movie. So I had to go way out, close to the interstate, to go and see the film. Luckily, it was $5/person night, so it was actually cheaper to go there than my local theater.

I have mixed feelings about "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". For the pro.s; H.Jackman did a marvelous job reprising his role as Logan/Wolverine. The story was pretty interesting, despite the fact that they have changed a LOT of it from what the comics (namely, the obviously inspiring, self-titled "Origins")have on record, yet I can see why they made the changes that they did. The build of the characters' inter-relationship between James/Logan and Victor as pretty key to the plot and was done fairly well. I wish they had expanded the introduction sequence a little more. If you have not read "Origins", you probably was a little confused as to who everyone was and what the whole setting/scene was about. Luckily, I own the series in book form. I recommend taking a look at it. Be forewarned: the movie changes everything except the beginning of the comic's series.

That being said, I really enjoyed the run of sequences that took place during the opening credits. Very, very, very well done!!!

The constant and (practically) trade-marked "Wolverine's angry yell at the sky" howl of rage was a bit ridiculous when done by the child actor...it was as if they were trying to sell the audience on the fact that this sick pansy kid was really going to grow up to be Wolverine. It came across as cheezy, but that's just my opinion.

I really loved the scene where Logan interacts with the elderly farm couple. That was a great set of sequences...especially the bit about the bathroom!!

The surprise ending #2 (after the credits) was a nice addition...Deadpool was done better than I expected. I was wondering where the trademarked black diamonds around the eyes was going to be incorporated into his overall look and I was not disappointed. They were clever about that.

The mutant cameos was a great sequence too. I managed to spot and name at least 3 or 4 and can't wait until it comes out on DVD so I can pause and figure out who everyone is.

What was odd (or maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough) was that I couldn't find Stan Lee in this one. Usually he's in every one of his "Marvel" movies (the hardest to find was "Spiderman" where he was in the crowd for only a few frames and the easiest to find was "Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer" where he introduced himself to the wedding bouncer as Stan Lee). But, like I said, I was too wrapped up in just watching and enjoying the movie, so I probably just missed him.

After the movie, I had some time to kill, so I checked out a new comic shop...well, technically, its a relocated comic shop that I was familiar with before it moved.

I wish I hadn't.

The people there were so friendly and personable...
they had a great and happy relationship with one another...

So now I'm all depressed, because seeing that has reminded me that I have no friends. Pretty pathetic, I know...

So, I'm going to bed, with hopes of dreaming X-Men dreams that include fuzzy blue elfs and/or smexy-butt wild wolverine men.

G'nite.

So, on May 14th, I walked with the rest of my graduating class of 2009 to receive my A.A. (associates of art) degree. Everyone is making a huge deal out of it, but I can't see what the fuss is about. My life really isn't changing, since I don't have the money to move out on my own yet. For the last 16 (+/-) years, it has always been: get up, go to school, go to work, go to church, go to sleep.

That's pretty much it.

Sad, isn't it?

I have no real friends of which to speak of (none in the sense that I can really talk to, open up, share my real feelings and bare my heart/soul to...people who will want to hang out with me just to hang out with me, not because I'm already "there" or they're bored and have no one else to hang with. I ACTUALLY had one of my "friends" say to me: 'I'm bored. I've already called everyone else and they're already busy...' Ouch.) and no real mode of transportation of my own (4 working people share one car because my dad isn't pulling in enough money to buy a car to replace his old one, so everyone uses my car, which leaves me with nada). So, I get dropped off at work and at school. I am lonely as all get out some days.


...Back onto track....

I have graduated. Big whoop. I still have 2-3 more years of schooling left to do before I have my Masters degree. But I've finally settled on a career: Animation. And none of that Disney-Pixar movie animation; no, I want to work on cartoons such as the afternoon shows that Nick puts out (or use to put out) like "Angry Beavers" and "Hey Arnold", or WB's "Animaniacs" and "The Zeta Files", or even Toon Disney's line up. Heck, I'd really like to work on "Spongebob" or "The Simpsons" or even "Family Guy/American Dad"!!

Let me tell you, if I ever got to work on "Phineas and Ferb"...I would die happy. I honestly truly would.

But, you know what? I've been wanting to be an animator for a long time. And I've been wanting to shed this unsightly poundage for a long time. But you know what else? Wishing isn't gonna do it. I can wake up every morning and say "I want to be/do ______", but until I actually put out the EFFORT to do something about it, it isn't going to happen.

So, everyone who reads "The Secret", let me just say this:

I HAVE DISPROVED THE THEORY AND HAVE PROVED THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SCAMMED BY THE MAKER OF THE BOOK/MOVIE...SO STOP BEING A BUNCH OF POMPOUS JERKS AND GET OVER YOURSELVES!!

...not that I have had any bad experiences with those sort of people *koffkoff* ...

But, seriously, anyone who believes that putting out a good thought into the universe will bring you your hearts desire, without action to back up the good thought, is fooling themselves. Yes, there is a great cosmic force/balance. God made it so that we would be able to unlock the power of that which is known as "Humanity" (kindness and good will to others) and help to balance one another out. And for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction (what some people call "karma"). However, you are also forgetting that objects at rest tend to stay at rest until acted upon by force. Meaning, you can put out the good thought and you will be given the ABILITY to make it happen, but until you put some ACTION behind the thought, it isn't going to work.

I can sit in a chair and think to the universe "I want to walk" every day for the rest of my life...or I can sit in a chair and think "I want to walk" and then stand up.

Simple as that.

G'nite everybody.

Yeah.

Well, I finished off my final semester at BCC with 3 "A"s and 1 "B". I passed the math portion of the CLAST with an 318/295. WHOO-HOO!!!!!!!! So, on Thrus. I will join the rest of my graduating class and walk at 1pm. Yay. I got my A.A./Associates Degree!! Then I get to attend my sister's award dinner (she's graduating from High School) for a free dinner. Yay, I don't have to cook or spend money!!

I've been tossing around my career ideas lately...flopping back and forth between a job in film or animation. I cannot get thru a day without drawing/doodling at least ONCE...but my "burning fire-stay-up-all-night-for-days" passion is in creating costumes. I love to watch a film and then thing "How did they do that? Can I do that on a cheaper scale?" and then create it. But, I have little if no experience in that department. Dad likes to say that I have "shiny object syndrome" and its sort of true. I come up with an idea and then thing/do/talk about nothing except the idea. I'll go through days and days drawing the same costume concept over and over and over in minute and labeled detail. But, as soon as I have my next "big idea", the first project falls to the wayside soon after. Eventually, I'm just burned out on the first idea and give up. This usually happens due to a lack of action within a certain time period (anywhere from 1-2 weeks), mostly because I cannot get cooperation from anyone to help me with the parts I need help with (I hate to ask for help if I know I can do it myself...or at least attempt to do it myself first).

So, short story ending: I'm back to animation. At least I have some practice there. Plus, as long as there are children in the world, there will always be a need for cartoonists.

Well, that's my life. I recently discovered a Disney cartoon called "Phineas and Ferb" which has redeemed most of the modern-kid cartoons that are all imported anime garbage. "P&F" is really great. It is the light at the end of the tunnel for modern-kid cartoons. In the late 90s and early 2000s, we had the awesome toons such as "Pepper Ann", "Braceface", "Animaniacs", "Tiny Toons", "Freakazoid", etc...everything that was free from the strict FCC rules. I mean, they openly and honestly talked about things such as getting your first period, divorce, and growing up, as well as having great dialogue open to kids and adults alike. However, as the years went by, the trend of importing and dubbing Anime toons increased and everything seemed to be imported people with point chins and hair that defied gravity. Gag. So imagine my joy when I found "P&F" and on the DISNEY channel no less!!! A cartoon that deals with siblings that sometimes fight but have genuine love for one another, decent writing, constant music/great songs, and end the cartoon with a loving family getting together. They aren't screaming obscenities at one another, no one is trying to undercut the other, and there is no ill will anywhere (aside from Candice trying to "bust" her brothers, which, any sibling can tell you, is purely mandatory) in the show. The animation is creative, but simplistic. In short, a slice of my private bliss. If you haven't already have seen it, I would suggest taking a look. The songs are infectious and the character are upbeat and enjoyable.


...also, I ripped one of my fingernails past the quick (the fleshy part where the nail meets/is attached to the nail bed/finger. Bled a bit and I had to put a bandaid on it and then duct-tape to keep the bandaid on. What a pain.

Oh well.

L8r!

Aglets.


The little tip of the plastic at the end of a shoelace.


The things you learn from cartoons.


Thank you Ferb. <3

I work in a public library (I shall not say which one, nor which county) which can always be an enriching and rewarding experience...if by "enriching and rewarding", you mean to say "dead-ended and dull". And, with massive budget cuts looming overhead, there is very little monetary offered in such a position. However, what we lack in bringing home the green, we make up in by bringing home the stories. And, boy, do we have a LOT of stories to tell!!

Not all are very interesting. Most are tiny glimpses into a person's life or mind, seen only for a 15-20 second encounter. But every once in a while, you get a real gem.

For example, one morning, I and a fellow employee (we shall call him Wolf, which is as far from his real name and appearance as I can get, so take THAT public officials!!!) were manning the front desk. We had just opened not five minutes ago, so it was still dead quiet. A father and son (no older than 11 years) came in and looked over our movie selection. They mulled over our films for about ten minutes, quiet and minding their own business, and came up to the front desk to check out their selection. The rest happened in less that three minutes and went a little like this:

Wolf: *pleasant, friendly tone* Good morning! Looks like you have a movie all picked out. Ready to check it out?

Kid: *looks up, makes eye contact, and says in the most heartfelt tone* I'm gonna stab you in the face!

Dad: *halfhearted chuckle* Now son, we don't say things like that...he's bigger than you. He'd probably beat you in a fight.

Now, Wolf and I are trading glances and trying not to laugh at the kid (we don't want to encourage that sort of talk or behavior), but I'm biting my lip like crazy and then Wolf decides he's gonna play along with this.

Wolf: *same pleasant, friendly tone* Yeah, that's right. I have longer arms. I'd just reach over the counter.

Kid: *mulls this over, then says with conviction* I'm gonna get a trident and stab you in the face!!!

Dad: *trying to be funny* Well, I guess I shouldn't be getting you "Moby Dick" to watch today...


Ok, a few things you should take note of in this exchange.

First: Dad there was your typical submissive, soft spoken, don't raise your voice to the kid, "be his friend not his drill Sargent", namby-pamby nonsense that the Generation-X parents try to pass off as "parenting" that usually involves leaving your kid in front of the television all day and only saying "hi" in passing. Now, I'm not saying that being a hard@$$ "spare the rod, spoil the child" is a good thing, but I am a firm believer that a parent should be a PARENT; someone for the child to feel safe with, feel safe going to and talking to no matter what, and feeling secure that this person will be there to fight the giants and the bugaboos and those things that go bump in dark closets and under the bed. Not your best friend, your security rock.

Second: If this kid wasn't on some sort of "behavior modification" med.s, then he either (1) need to be or (2) needed his parents to take some charge and turn off the TV. Seriously, as much as I hate to stereotype kids, this was the poster child for that stereotype. And, of all the things to say, a TRIDENT!!!

Now, you may be saying to yourself "well, it isn't fair to judge people that you don't know and only see in tiny snippets". And that is true. However, the best thing about a library is that you can people watch all day long. And that is what we usually do. In fact, not only have we made a game out of it, but we have become experts on it! So, please, don't think I'm just spouting nonsense based on only three minutes of dialogue exchange...I have years of experience behind me on this.

But not every encounter in the library is a death threat. Just last week, as we were closing, Wolf and I waiting on another lil' guy (+/- 7yrs old). This kid's mistake was mixing up "can" with "may"...a prank we like to play on people (who we judge or know from experience to have a good sense of humor) is to turn to the other Librarian and say, "I dunno...CAN they check it out? Do you think they're physically capable?" But, there's the back story for you. Onwards, to the poor kid:

Kid: Can I check this out?

Wolf and I trade glances.

Wolf: I don't know...can you?

Kid: *thinks for a second, then says uncertainly* Can I PLEASE check it out?

...bless his lil' heart. We explained to him (in a very gentle tone) the difference between "can" and "may", and checked out his book.



Ok, enough blathering about my boring job for one night. How about a little fictional writing? My College Science teacher is one very awesome dude and the head of the writing club. Unfortunately, because of my schedule this year, I have been unable to attend the club meetings. But, because he is so very, very awesome, he has been sending me the prompts via email, which I reply to and send back. What's that you say? How about posting this week's prompt here? Well, alright, if you insist...

Prompt: Today is the first day of spring-- and it snowed this morning! Write a scene or story or memory or poem in which something surprising or even paradoxical happens: someone has had a great loss, and it's a gorgeous sunny day. A couple has their best evening together ever-- after they've decided to break up.

(The URL if you like: http://meredithsuewillis.com/writingexercises.html#current)

My post:
I woke up early on a fine November morning. The air was crisp and fresh; it had rained last night, and I always loved the rain as it seems to rejuvenate the world around us, giving it a fresh face and a clean slate, as if the world was full of hope. I glanced at my small egg-shaped clock on my bedside table. The green glow of the digital screen told me that it was seven a.m. and I knew my alarm would go off in ten minutes. Yawning, I grinned to myself, knowing that I had the luxury of ten whole minutes to keep enjoying the warmth of my bed's fluffy comforter. The time stretched on and I had nearly forgotten all about getting up when the radio-alarm when off. The radio station was playing my favorite song, which I danced and sang along to as I got up and got dressed. Trying to sing the chorus to "Good day, Sunshine" when your mouth is full of toothpaste is a tad tricky, but I managed to pull it off. Just as the song ended, I fished out my favorite green shirt from the bottom of my closet. I could have sworn I had lost it at Jillian's house weeks ago, but apparently not. Guess I'll have to let her know I found it next time I see her. Doffing my lucky maroon ballcap at my reflection, I stepped past my hallway mirror and out onto the autumn streets. Turning to lock my apartment door, I took a deep breath of fresh air and smiled. Today was a beautiful day. As I stepped down the sidewalk, I couldn't help but smile and nod to all my neighbors.

"Terri," One of the elderly women commented as I passed. It was Mrs. Thrunbrum, the middle school music teacher forced to retire at the age of 80. I found that she was particularly sweet, as she reminded me of my own grandmother. She always had a bit of advice for me, words that never failed to be of importance on how my day went. "Terri, you have such a spring in your step today."

"Do I?" I asked with a laugh. "Guess that's just the sort of day I'll be having!"

"Its your birthday today, isn't it?" She asked. Clever old bat, I thought fondly. Always remembers.

"Mine and my new baby niece." I replied. "Kelly--you remember my older sister, right? She gave birth this morning at three a.m. to a beautiful baby girl. I'm heading over right now to seem them."

"Well, congratulations!" Mrs. Thrunbrum crowed with a beaming smile. "I have always said that the world could stand to have a few more girls running it. Do say hello for me as well, wont you?"

"Of course!" I replied, already back on my path, turning to wave one last time. The hospital was a fair distance from my apartment, and by time I arrived, it was already close to half past eight. Still, Kelly and her husband, Rick, were happy to see me. I was introduced to my new niece, Christi Pinnki. She smiled up at me, her pretty green eyes winking closed as she flashed her gums. Rick joked that it was probably just gas, but no one could dispute those adorable dimples. I cradled her a bit in the crook of my arm, chatting with Kelly and Rick about their future plans and laughed at how everyone only seemed to want to talk to them about the "new life" in their world. We laughed and chatted until the nurse came in, reminding Kelly that it was time for the baby to have a bath.

"Barely even born and already she has the spa treatment!" Rick joked again, his booming laugh infecting all of us.

"Gonna be just like her mother...so watch out, man!" I retorted with a playful jab of my elbow.

"I'll be sure to bury my wallet where the gals' wont find it." Rick agreed. Kelly merely rolled her eyes at us as the nurse helped her out of the bed, but she couldn't help laughing. I waved and said my good-byes before heading to the elevator. Pushing the button, I couldn't help but notice that the elevator had just been cleaned; the buttons sparkled like new, devoid of fingerprints and thumb smudges, and the tiny boxed room smelled of lemons, a smell that I never grew tired of. The doors opened with a tiny "Ding!" and I stepped out with a fond smile. Walking to the edge of the asphalt, I looked up at the sky.

"What a really beautiful day." I remarked to myself right before I jumped off the roof of the 60 story hospital.




...If you didn't get the theme I was going for, it was the contrast of the new-ness of life around this character as he was planning to end his own life. I was inspired by my own morning routine, which starts out the same way, only the song that played on the radio was Good Charlotte's "The Day that I Die". It made me think: what do people do on the day they plan to die? Would they try to make their last day the most perfect one ever? Wouldn't all that happiness that conflict with their suicide? In this story, apparently not.


Well, as much as I doubt anyone is reading this...if someone DOES happen to come across this, please, leave a comment. Even if its "get help, you sicko"...well, actually, that helps my writing in no way whatsoever...but you know what I mean. Some critiquing is appreciated.

G'eve.

I write my experience six days later and watching "Bones", so some of this may be a bit lacking in the exotic, bright colored details...but its all good.

Right, so...I flew from one coast to the other, spent thousands of dollars, and disrupted my school and work life for only 60 hr.s of convention experience where I knew NO one personally.

I had the best time of my life.

The flight was +7 hours on one cramped plane between an iPod listening teen and an extremely overweight man, excluding the 50 minutes of a stop over in Chicago, where I was able to switch seats and managed to snag a window seat. When I finally got off the plane, I stepped out into the freezing L.A. weather: rainy, gray, and so cold I could see my breath. I was so happy!!!! ^________^

Checked into the hotel and within the hour, I was hitting the dealer's room. I spent more time (and money) than I should have on my first day, but I guess that's part of the learning experience (this would be my third con attending, my first DW con)...I managed to spend about $100 in the first three hours. And that was BEFORE dinner ><" After taking a look at the menu prices at the hotel's indoor restaurants, I decided to scout out what sort of foods the gift shop had to offer. Eleven bucks later, I happily returned to my room with a bag of tortilla chips, an orange-carrot Sobe, some chocolate raisins and my con program. Over my makeshift munchies, I took a look at all the awesome panels and decided what I would try to attend.

Friday: Six pm: Opening ceremonies were held in the main room. Celebrities popped in to say hello to the audience and the evening festivities were announced.

Friday: Eight pm: Watched a DVD of last year's con, including some funny scenes and a fake DW episode. I wasn't too interested in it, but I showed up to get a good seat for the premiere showing of "The Next Doctor", which wont be shown in America until late this summer. I loved the Cybercreatures. There was a family of cosplayers that sat in front of me: a 10Doctor, a hostess, a young cyberman and an adorable cybercreature. The kids were SOOOOOOO cute!!!

Friday: Nine pm: After hanging around and listening to a few singers, I chickened out of karaoke (I would have sang "Popular" from "Wicked") and headed back upstairs to crash instead. While waiting for the elevator (to everyone's annoyance, only three out of six worked), I talked to a few Con-Vets who were on their way to a private party, had a good laugh, etc. The elevator doors opened a few minutes after they left and, just as I was about to step in, who should step out but GARETH DAVID-LLOYD!!!!!!! He and his girlfriend were trying to escape for dinner. I sort of froze, then automatically stepped back and mumbled something along the lines of "oh, hi, excuse me"...I can only imagine how lame I sounded ^__^"

Saturday: Six am: Woke up, got cleaned up, got dressed, wandered down to the con, and realized that the con didn't open anything up until around Ten. Trudged back upstairs.

Saturday: Nine am: Couldn't help myself and wandered back down. Found a screening room that was showing some of 5Doctor's episodes. I'm not sure what the title was, but I had a nice time watching it. Apparently I wasn't the only one who got up earlier than the con!!

Saturday: Eleven am: Attended a panel on cosplaying and got a lot of awesome tips that will help me. The panelists were really nice (too bad I didn't catch their names) and are regulars at "DW_Cosplay" here at LJ, so go check it out.

Saturday: Noon: Dashed back up to grab a nibble of crackers and grab my video camera.

Saturday: Twelve-Thirty (ish): Watched the end of another 5Doctor episode, waited around.

Saturday: Two-ish pm: Managed to catch up with the "DW_Cosplay" room group and got some video of everyone's costumes, including a full group in front of one of the two TARDIS present. Everyone rocked!!!!

Saturday: Three pm: Attended Gareth's Q & A. He is such an awesome guy. Very silly, quick to laugh. Has a great voice and his eyes...wooooooooooooooooooooooow...such eyes!! His girlfriend is so lucky...My camera died halfway through, so I didn't get to tape the whole thing TT_TT Waa.

Saturday: Four pm: Lined up for Gareth's autograph. Bought a copy of his CD and a black/white headshot (they ran out of the colored stills from "Countrycide", which is one of my top three TW episodes) and he sighed both of them. I sort of froze again when I got to the front of the line and retreated back into my polite zone...I think the conversation went something like this:

Me: *goggles* Um...*turns to his girlfriend* Good afternoon. *turns to Gareth* Good afternoon. How are you doing today?
Gareth: *smiles and I melt* Good, thanks. Want me to sign those?
Me: Yes, thank you. *babbles as he signs the items* I just wanted to thank you so much...You're just brilliant in "Torchwood" and you're just such an amazing actor!
Gareth: *hands the signed items over* Well, thanks...
Me: *still stupidily babbling, turns to his girlfriend* And you have to be one of the luckiest young ladies in the world...
Girlfriend: *laughs*
Me: *takes the signed items* Thanks a lot...have a safe flight home! *is ushered along so someone else can get a signature*

...boy, I feel so silly now! But I felt so bad for his girlfriend. She was sitting at the very end behind the table (at the beginning of the row) and everyone was ignoring her. She would glance up and smile politely at the fans, but no one looked at her or anything...My polite genes just sort of kicked in...oy vey ^^"

Anyways, it was all good...I got Gareth's signature and Collin Baker's signature, so it was awesome. Collin Baker is a really nice guy and will politely make conversation as long as you want to talk.

Saturday: Seven pm: Had dinner with my Uncle (Dad's side) Jon, who is a freelance screenwriter who lives in L.A. It had been several years since I had last seen him, so it was a good time. We talked about a lot of things; his job, my job, my schooling, various movies and TV shows...etc. He dug up a copy of the old "Doctor Who" magazine that had Collin Baker on the cover for me. It was a pretty good time all in all ^_________________^

Saturday: Eleven pm: Watched more presentations and taped most of the Costume Gala. My camera died again, this time just before the very last (and most awesome) costume presentation. I'm starting to hate my camera and think it hates me back.

Saturday: Midnight: Watched the first American presentation of "Moths ate my Doctor Who Scarf". I laughed all the way through and cried at the end. There is no great way to describe the experience...only to promote the audio copy and suggest that everyone buys it.
GO BUY IT NOW!!! http://www.play.com/Books/AudioBooks/4-/3337108/-/Product.html?searchstring=toby+hadoke&searchsource=0

Sunday: One am: Still not on LA time, I stumbled back to my room and passed out.

Sunday: Six am: Woke up, grumbled at my clock and rolled over.

Sunday: Seven am: Couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up, cleaned up, and trekked downstairs.

Sunday: Nine am: Walked circles around the con circuit, stopping every once in a while to chat with other early risers.

Sunday: Ten am: Stuff started to open up, caught some more old episodes, found Collin Baker again and got him to sign the magazine (for my dad this time).

Sunday: Two pm: Hopped a plane to visit my grandparents in northern Cali.



...So, basically, I had a blast.
I know I left out a lot of details and emotions, but I'm not that concerned. No one will probably read this and I'm pretty tired right now. This journal may be short, but the memories are forever ^^


Now, I have to teach myself a chapter of math, write up two weeks of Technical Writing papers, and do my taxes. G'nite!!
-__-'

Well, I guess its time to catch up with actually starting the new year. So this means that I'm getting on with my resolutions, actually making a change in my life, and turning a new leaf.

First off, part of my new leaf includes being a stronger person, making a dent in my social anxiety problems. And how do I make that first leap? I traveled from one side of the United States to the other, alone, to go to a convention (more on that next blog) where I knew no one. Now, I have no problems in being by myself in the world (in fact, I prefer it), but connecting with strangers on a level other than a professional/work environment is hard to do. In a crowd, I tend to alternate between being swept up in the social wave of emotion (the preferred result) with a sudden drowning sense of being all alone. It can be a very serious affliction, literally like drowning; my heart is seized in a vice, my temperature plummets, there is a smothering/pressing sensation on my ribs, and there is a strange bottom-of-an-empty-well-where-no-one-can-hear-you feeling. Utterly alone in a sea of millions. This is something I am working hard on, and since I cannot afford therapy (not that I'm any good at sharing person-to-person anyways), I am taking the steps to work on it by myself.

Which brings me to my second new leaf: sharing. I am a very secret person. If someone shares something with me---ANYthing with me---I cannot repeat it. I literally can't share it with anyone else. While its good if I was a psychiatrist or therapist, I'm talking about being unable to repeat office news to other employees and unable to repeat news between friends and family. I am literally physically unable to tell anyone anything. So, by starting to share little meaningless things with faceless strangers who probably wont read any of this via the internet, I hope to become comfortable with sharing things with people.

I have problems, mostly social ones, and I can admit it. Which brings me to leaf three:

I am clinically depressed. I have not been diagnosed nor have I spoken to a doctor about it for medical advice. It is genetically passed from my father's side. While I know that depression is natural and everyone gets depressed every once in a while, I have not had a single week for five years where I have not come up with a suicide plan. Now, I want to make something clear right now: I AM NOT A SUICIDE RISK. I entertain the thoughts and extensive plans of killing myself when I am so deeply depressed that I cannot rip myself away from the darkness. However, I love life, I love living, and I love the people in my life too much to hurt them like that. But suicide plans are just a part of it. In fact, it is almost ritualistic in the pattern: I become depressed, I plan my death to the nines, go over it repeatedly, I manage to rise up out of the depression. Now, the reason I mention this is part of leaf #2...but also because it may crop up from time to time in my journals and for anyone who will be (doubtfully) reading along, I just want to get it out in the open right now. I am clinically depressed and you would never know it if you met me in person. I'm sunshine and daisies. I see the joy in the sound of bells and in touching tassels and in shredding paper. I put a smile on my face and a smile on yours. And inside, I'm often lost, circling the drain in my mind. But that isn't all there is about me, only one small part, and while I go along for the ride, I don't let it consume me.

So this isn't going to be an emo journal of slitting my wrist and writing bad goth poetry (sorry for the stereotype)...its a journal to catalogue my progress on myself and to blow off steam. I'll post what I feel and make no regrets about it.

I guess the reason I never caught onto the whole "blogging" thing was because it can be so hurtful. I mean, you have a fight with someone, post a blog about the whole thing from your POV, usually trashing the other person, and they'll read that. So, not only have you made a problem even worse, but everything you wrote when you were angry is published for anyone to see...aka: personal slander. It just makes everything worse, really.

But, back to leaf #1.

I wont be constant with this. There will be large gaps of days, weeks, possibly months. But whatever. It isn't like someone is going to actually be reading this, right?



PostScript: Also, any time I write about someone in real life, I shall use a code nickname for them. Most of them already have a nickname, either a character they use for stories/RPing or something that they have established for them by them.

I spent the last five hours poking myself in the fingers with a needle and picking glue off of my skin...but it is all worth it!!

Using a few items, I have figured out how to make TW's Capt. Jack Harkness' Time-Vortex wristwatch:

How to make a “Harkness Time Vortex Wrist-strap"

 

(1)   Some leather (or imitation), sewing needle and thread, Elmer’s Carpenter’s Wood Glue (I have found this holds up great), scissors, a paintbrush, and a mp3 player’s accessory wrist/arm band (this one is for the iPod mini).

(2)   Cut the swatch of leather to your liking. Double check that the entire thing is stitched together. If not, this is where the needle and glue comes in. Sew the open bits closed and glue to seal the thread in properly. Let it sit for about 20-30 mins.

(3)   Adjust the leather swatch over the clear face of the band to your liking.

(4)   Sew and glue where swatch meets band at the TOP ONLY. Remember, you want it to lift upwards freely.

(5)   Take the excess swatches of leather and fix them over the band. [NOTE: covering only the top will allow the strap to sit comfortably on your wrist. If you like, remove the already existing band via exacto knife and replace with a real leather strap and buckle.]

ENJOY!!! :)

Pictures to follow later.
EDIT: Pictures!!! :)

[IMG]http://i35.tinypic.com/dxzpg.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i33.tinypic.com/2ds2xhl.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i38.tinypic.com/2dihe0m.jpg[/IMG]


Enjoy!